13 Guestbook Entries

  1. Karin Smith from PASAC
    Posted June 9, 2011 at 6:44 pm | Permalink

    Hello fellow partners,

    Feel free to post a comment in our guestboook. If you are seeking support to understand the survivor in your life, please use the form on the contact page to get in touch.

    We look forward to hearing from you!

  2. Cheryl
    Posted June 10, 2011 at 6:18 am | Permalink

    Just found you site and would like more information. My husband has just starting “remembering”. It is difficult for the both of us. I feel he is getting help, although he does not see the light at the end of the tunnel as of yet. I sometimes feel that I get lost in the shuffle. I don’t do Facebook, etc. so don’t know how to access the blog sites. Thanks for any help you can offer!

  3. charles j.
    Posted July 13, 2011 at 5:21 pm | Permalink

    Hi. Im a 54 year old, sexually and physycally abused by authority figures as well as people I trusted. Mental abuse (name calling, laughter, pointing out worthlessness), Have followed me all my life. Somee temporary relief is found in fanatical religeous
    participation, but when I am alone I suffer. I have learned to live with this, went to therapy for 7 years, thought i had it liked, but lonliness and guilt still prevail. I could be of some help to thers but I also need help myself.

  4. Toby
    Posted August 24, 2011 at 6:03 pm | Permalink

    I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2, he told me early on that he was sexually abused. I listened and didn’t push the issue any further. He assured me that he had dealt with it. I did a lot of research to try to educate myself. But nothing prepared me for finding a naked picture of him that he posted to a male website. He is not gay, but has this “addiction” to attention. He vows he loves me but doens’t know if he can be with me while he recovers. He also doesn’t know if he wants to recover.

    He went to a sex addiction clinic over 10 years ago and while seeking help, he and the therapist slept together.

    Outside of this, our lives were perfect, healthy, pleasant, no fighting, no unkind words, lots of laughing and lots of love…and then I found this picture that he sent and confronted him.

    I need therapy as much as he does now. I feel as though I have lots my best friend and I truly don’t know what to do.

    I wish I could speak to someone who was in my shoes…I am sure there are people out there that have experienced the same thing as me.

  5. "P"
    Posted October 6, 2011 at 1:04 am | Permalink

    i was sexualy abused as a child and at 40 sumthing years old is the first time tonight i mentioned it to my mother, i felt sum kinda of release but know in my heart i have a lot more healing and getting over it, tonight as old as i am i took the first step to trying to recover from a tragic past that i have blocked out of my head for so many years and ashamed as it was my fault what happen to me, but i know it is not. Even all the counslers ive seen and physciatrist ive seen ive never revealed this moment, why i dont know…..hope for a brighter future and can get away from my past that i just let out tonight

  6. Posted October 6, 2011 at 5:37 am | Permalink

    Hi “P”

    I will respond tonight. No you were never responsible for the abuse only the perpetrator was guilty. YOu were just a sweet innocent child.

    You hang in there, we will help you work through this


  7. Wendy G.
    Posted April 26, 2012 at 3:58 pm | Permalink

    I was so happy to find this website in the book “Victims No Longer”. I am really hoping it will give me a chance to talk with other people who are going through what I am. Thank you!

  8. Heidi
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 7:16 am | Permalink

    As I am going through my own self awareness of past sex abuse, it comforts me to find this site. It helps partners (of people like myself that are dealing with horrific secrets from the past) know it is ok, others are going through it as well, you are not alone.

  9. Enjo
    Posted July 25, 2012 at 12:27 am | Permalink

    Found this from the book Victims No Longer. I’m 44 and my SO is 22. He chased me. I was molested by my female friend when I was 6-8. She was incested by her alcoholic step dad. Later she made amends to her. My family was violent. Lots of neglect, emotional abuse, love sometimes then withdrawn. My first really serious love affair the guy was drug addict, abusive, raped me, emotionally abusive/verbally. Distancing, angry. He left me 2 weeks before our wedding and 6 months pregnant. I thought I wanted to die. I was date raped on my first date after him. Spent years reclusing. Then was highly promiscuous. Was a food addict..tried to make myself fat. Went through gender dysmporphia rejecting my female side. Even considered surgery. God brought me out of that. I keep getting verbally or emotionally abused. I keep getting with men who start out seeming ok then change on me. Most of my close friends are male and have also been through abuse. I have a hard time trusting females or identifying with them. I tend to want to protect them. I’m actually healing from that. This comes from my relationship with seeing my mom as a weak victim and not wanting to be a victim. I get sexually harassed at work. I have poor boundaries. All of this was getting better when BANG my SO came along. Here’s the crazy part…he is from another country entirely. We talk on skype, FB, and phone. I tried to tell him I am too old. He has been being incested by his dad for 10 years…since age 12. He just got attacked again in April. I’m flooded with not just emotions for him but helplessness. I can’t even hold him. There is NOTHING in India. Cops don’t take even female rape serious. His mom and some family know and DO NOTHING. I begged him to not go back to his dad’s for his college exams..but he went and sure enough his dad attacked him. And no I don’t think it is his fault. He freezes…disassociates. Then he was distancing from me for a month. Then he was so angry. We got through this then everything was ok and then he sabautaged the relationship by being drawn to what he thought was another abuse victim. I broke things off. But I did not end the relationship. I feel called to stand by his side til he 1) sends me away 2) abuse me 3) marries 4) lies or cheats so that I cannot at all trust him….he has not done any of these things. I believe God is what got me through. He does not trust God. That’s part of what he was fighting me about. No, I don’t push that on him either. But it’s part of my boundaries from the start. Many things I thought was true when entering the relationship is not true. I would have stayed only friends had I known more. My fault. I jumped in too fast. But I am committed to be his ally in healing whether we marry or not. I am trying to read as much as I can but the books scare the hell out of me. Really make me feel like running far away. I’m scared to death since he can’t get counseling, doesn’t trust God, the family keeps this a secret and does nothing, the abuse keeps happening..which he even said “So?”….er….I don’t want to be co-dependent. I am also a survivor and dealing with stuff. I tried going to a therapist but I get more answers from the books and reading forums. I need to know if there is a Support Group online preferably or on skype or in person (that’s free as I am not rich) in Colorado for survivors that are partners to survivors. And my main problem is….am I crazy? He’s admitted to many people about his abuse. But he just wants to forget it. It’s kinda like ok so my dad used my body but I am going to forget that and just move forward. I did that after my rape. I thought all was ok. Til at 30 some girls I was working with ran away and got gang raped. Til my ex SO came back, my grandma was dying and then something snapped. I am terrified…if I trust him…will he end up freaking out on me? If we do actually marry…is he going to hurt any I don’t believe in the Vampire Syndrome but if you don’t work on issues then my understanding is he is at risk in duplicating his abuse. He minimizes…has to to survive…he emotionally detaches, distances, and I am a bit afraid as we have been sexual…which I stopped…but he seemed to get aroused with things that make me wonder if he is not re-enacting his abuse. Sometimes my own abuse issues come up so I am worried how can we have a normal sex life as well…I don’t know what kind of therapist to go to. I called a rape crisis line…finally got a therapist but she was not that experienced. Do I need a relationship there therapists for my kind of relationship. It’s a real relationship…he’s talked to my folks, my son etc. But it is online and long distance. Or am I just a crazy person? How can I help him and yet not get hurt myself? How can I trust someone. So many questions..where do I go? Do you have any ideas?

  10. amy dendorfer
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 9:56 pm | Permalink

    So glad to find this site. Not only for myself, but for my husband– my number one support person. I am 45 and up until 6 months ago and after years of therapy for other issues, childhood sexual abuse has not surfaced. Although I do not have specific memories yet, I do have the “symptoms.” My therapist has also pointed out that more than likely, the abuse started at age 3 and most probable by a female. My father was an alcoholic and used to come into our bedrooms after drinking. Again no memories, but the thought of him now disgusts me and makes me wonder if he was involved in some way. (He is deceased.)

    I want to work through this. While it would be easier to just make the pain go away, I know its not possible.

    Strength within!!

  11. Aaron
    Posted May 20, 2013 at 3:36 am | Permalink

    My girlfriend and I have only been together for about four months now, I found out in the beginning of the relationship that she was molested. Recently I found out that it was when she was a child and it happened for some years. When se tried to tell her father who was drunk and passed out he told her to going back to sleep…he was then arrested for child rape when his stepdaughter told her best friend that she was being molested. My girlfriend knew of it but said nothing to anyone…I don’t blame her for any of that, but while this was going on she picked up drugs and alcohol and she says we met at a few parties (very small town) I was nineteen at the time, shevis five years my younger. All my life I’ve prided myself of being there for others

  12. anna
    Posted June 12, 2013 at 11:47 am | Permalink

    im in a relationship with a survivor, he was abused by a family member since childhood for years and have attempted suicide many times. Recently the family member that sexually abused him attempted it (thank god nothing bad happened) and his mum physically abused him. He is now currently in icu and there’s visitor restrictions. He lost his memory (i thought it was a blessing in disguise) but recently the bad memories have been coming back to him as nightmares. He would wake up screaming and crying. He refused counselling and he has been having lots of mood swings and have been really sensitive as of late. He’s really negative and suspicious lately and each time he gets upset with my “lies”, no explanation can help clear up our misunderstandings as he’s so negative and he will just get more hurt, this sometimes result in his weak heart stopping. I thank god that he has come back to me several times, but this cant go on. Nothing i can say to convince him into counselling. I know he is fighting hard for his life and without me he would have given up. How can i help him?

  13. Kyle
    Posted September 23, 2014 at 8:16 pm | Permalink

    My name is Kyle. For the past 6 years, I have been the partner of the love of my life, a woman who was sexually abused as a child, a survivor. If you’re reading this as a fellow partner of a survivor, let me first say how much I respect and appreciate you. Your stories and testimonies, along with counseling have helped give me the strength to come forward and tell my story. I’ve read countless stories now that I can relate so closely to. Some have been so close to home that I thought I was reading my own life story. It truly helps to know that you’re not alone, and that so many people out there have felt and feel the same way. It’s been a real eye opening experience to realize I’m not crazy, and all the feelings I’ve had all these years have been shared by so many of you. Thank you again to all that have shared and continue to try and be the best partners you can be each and every day. It has truly changed my life.
    Like I said, for the past 6 yearsb I’ve been the partner of a survivor. It hasn’t been easy, mostly because I never took the time to truly educate myself and listen when at times when she tried to tell me about the effects that an attack as a child can have on woman/man well into adulthood. This was my first mistake.
    We dated for just over a year, fell deeply in love. I’ve known since the day we met that we were meant to be together, and she’s been the love of my life ever since. We have a magical chemistry and such a deep love for each other that I never thought possible to have for someone. It wasn’t all fairy tales and roses though. Even in that short year, the first signs began to show….. Then it happened the first time….. She said goodbye. I was crushed, and didn’t fully understand why. I knew some reasons why, but it wouldn’t be until she came back to me nearly a year later that I would find out the full scope of the reasons. She called me one day out of the blue, and immediately I was once again full on in love. We seemingly picked up right where we left off, and were more passionate and intense and giddy about each other than ever before. She began to open up to me about so much more than she ever had before. Three years into the relationship, she shared with me that she had been assaulted as a child, as well as being raped by her husband. My first instinct was anger, I wanted to find the person that had done it and beat them senseless….after that subsided, I began to feel every other emotion that a human can feel, almost seemingly at once. But the last thing I felt, which would later prove to be my biggest downfall was thinking I could fix everything immediately. I wanted so bad to just make it all better, and all ok right then, right there. Knowing what I know now, I know that that would never happen…..we as partners, especially us men, have to accept that this is something we just cannot fix. This was a very difficult time for me. As a man, a partner, all I wanted to do was make it better, but realize now I just couldn’t. When you are in love with someone, and can’t help them immediately, or even over time, it can be a very helpless feeling that can manifest itself into all kinds of other emotions. It’s a very easy trap to allow yourself to fall into.

    Over the course of the next 3 years, we would experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and I would question everything about her, our relationship, and myself. I made a lot of mistakes over these years, mistakes that I could have very easily avoided making had a just educated myself more on the long term effects of sexual abuse. I became very impatient, felt extremely worthless, like I wasn’t good enough for her, like I was less of a man. These feelings can really weigh on you and bring on a lot of heartache, and question everything about yourself. It can also be very lonely, I mean, who can you talk to about something so sensitive and private without giving away a closely guarded secret she has entrusted in you to share? With support from family, counseling, and groups such as PASAC, I have finally given myself the chance to fully embrace these feelings and begin to process them in a positive way. But I digress.
    You see, there would be several times over these years that she would disappear for days, even weeks on end. One day she would be completely in love with me, the next not even want to talk to me. One night the sex would be amazing, the next night, she wouldn’t even want so much as a hug. She’s asked me so many times to be patient, just wait, things will be fine, and they would be. Then a week or two later, the same things would begin to happen. It’s been a constant cycle since we’ve been together. This type back and forth will take its toll on you, and will absolutely drive you to your breaking point. It gets so hard because at times discussing your feelings can backfire and add fuel to the fire. I felt like I was trapped at times, because again, there’s the right time, and then the VERY wrong time to bring your feelings into a conversation when emotions are running high. I took this all very personally for a very long time because I didn’t know or understand the fact that it wasn’t necessarily ME that was the cause of her pushing away. I couldn’t comprehend the fact that my partner, best friend, and lover wanted nothing to do with me and believe I wasn’t the cause of it. Even when she would tell me over and over that is wasn’t me, or my fault, her actions made it hard to accept because I didn’t fully understand what she was going through. She did try many times the best way she knew how to explain to me that it wasn’t me, but it never fully registered with me then. Gaining that understanding, that it’s not necessarily your fault, can be a life saver. Of all the mistakes that I’ve made throughout the course of this relationship, not gaining that understanding LONG ago is way up there on the list. It will haunt me for the rest of my life that it took a conversation with a mutual friend about all of this for me to finally wake up and be able to take the initiative to put my heart into learning more about this, and helping ME more, which would ultimately help her.

    Living as a partner of a survivor is not easy, but then again, being a survivor has to be 1000 times harder and I hurt for her for that. We’ve struggled for years, but have always stayed together because we’ve always known we were meant to be. So we’ve fought this uphill battle, and again, without me taking the time to educate myself, I have only made the hill more difficult to climb. At this point in our relationship, I don’t know exactly where things stand. She recently moved back to her home state, and we are in somewhat of a limbo stage. We’ve been here before, and have always overcome whatever obstacle stood in our way. I just hope that history repeats itself and she’ll be back in my life again as it’s always been. But who knows….You can only make so many mistakes before there are permanent consequences. Over the course of all these years, she’s said goodbye to me a couple of times, but we always seem to find each other. As we like to refer to it, we’re penguins. But I don’t know, this time it may be too late. I may have waited too long to finally not only educate myself on the effects of sexual abuse, but through support groups and counseling discover that have I have to be just as willing to work on myself as she has to be willing to continue to work on her. It truly is a team effort. Like I said, it may be too late for me and my relationship, but I would like to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned from my mistakes. If this helps just one person, one couple, one relationship make it through, then all the mistakes I’ve made and lessons I’ve learned will not be in vein.
    So before reading forward, I would like to challenge all of you partners out there reading this. We have a very long road ahead of us. Take some time to make sure that you are fully prepared to commit to your respected relationships with your survivors. Some may say to take the easy road out, some may say to cut your losses and move on. But if you’re anything like me, you’re more in love with them than you ever thought imaginable, and you’re willing to jump in with both feet and do whatever you have to do to prove yourself to them…..for the right woman, it’s worth every single minute of it. The great news is that you CAN have an amazing and fulfilling and happy life and relationship if you’re willing to do the work. It is hard work, don’t kid yourself. But nothing good in life comes easy, and consider how much more you’ll appreciate each other down the road because you both took the time to gain a better understanding of each other.
    I’m not a doctor, PhD or anything like that. I don’t have any credentials, and this is certainly not professional advice. I’m a man who is in love with an incredible woman who unfortunately has a tragic past that haunts her to this day, but she is the love of my life and I wouldn’t change a thing about her. I don’t know that we will ever find each other again, I’m hopeful we will, but who knows….these are just things I’ve learned along the way in our journey and I hope it helps…..
    1. We as partners are not fixers- as much as we want to be able to say everything is ok, don’t worry about it, ect…..its not. I’ve learned the hard way that tossing out our 2 cents will most likely not go well for us, and may cause more harm than good. We are not here to fix anything, we are here to support. I can’t tell you how many moments I can think of over the past several years that I should have just kept my mouth shut and listened. We’re not here to offer our opinion unless they ask for it….trust me
    2. Don’t take things personally- I know…much easier said than done. You’re going to be tested, you’re going to feel like she doesn’t want you, or want anything to do with you. You may not hear from her for days, weeks, maybe a month. At times you may feel worthless, feel abandoned, and feel as if they don’t love you. But if you’re truly committed, be patient. If your survivor is anything like mine, she’ll come back when she’s ready, and that’s ok. Remember, its hard being a partner, but it’s even harder for our survivor, always remember that. As partners, we’re going to face a lot of adversity and hearthache, and wonder why we’re sticking it out. When you’re in doubt, just think about how much you love her, think about what she means to, and think about the good times, because they’ll come around again, as long as you can hang in there. She needs to know you’re strong enough to make it through even the hardest times.

    3. Don’t Push- when times are hard, and you haven’t heard from her in a few days, DON’T PUSH!!!!! Don’t call, don’t text, don’t email, give her the space she needs to sort through whatever it is she needs to sort through. From personal experience, trust me when I say, the more you reach out, the further away she’ll become. They need their time to get themselves back. Remember, if they truly love you, they want to get themselves back together more than you want them to, because in their heart, they do want to be with you. They just need to figure things out on their own time, and in their own way……these are the times we back off. Find things to keep you busy, as your head and heart will be swimming. If you can’t keep yourself occupied, it makes it easier to pick up the phone and call, ect….bad idea….let it be. This has been such a huge struggle for me. When you know something is troubling her, all you want to do is reach out to her, you want to make it better… this is a hard one for me…….
    4. Promises- NEVER make a promise you can’t keep. I don’t care how small the promise may be, if you cannot deliver, it may have long lasting consequences. If she asks something of you, and you promise to deliver, make darn sure you come through. If you can’t deliver on the smallest of things, in her mind, there’s no way you’ll ever deliver when it really matters. They remember these things….vividly. It is our duty as a partner to make our partners feel safe, secure, loved. Broken promises don’t help our cause.
    5. Be There- I don’t care what you have going on in your world the moment she calls you and says she needs you, you go. As partners, we need to understand that being responsive and sensitive to our survivors needs, when she needs them is crucial. When they confide in us, and reach out and ask for us, in whatever capacity, they are in my opinion opening up and showing trust. That is a VERY hard thing to earn. So we must do everything in our power to ensure we can be trusted in their eyes and in their hearts. This was something I lacked at for a period of time, and it caused a lot of set- backs in the progress of our relationship.
    6. Take care of yourself- With all of the emotions you’re going to feel throughout your journey as a partner, you have to remember to take care of yourself. I would find myself going days without really eating much, months without a haircut, neglecting work, ect just to name a few….it gets hard, you get wholly wrapped up in the relationship, and your emotions are all over the place. But you have to stop and take a deep breath and remember that you’re no good to anyone, especially yourself and your partner if you’re not taking care of you. Even while she may be away or in one of her funks, she still needs to know you’re on top of your own game.
    7. Trust- it’s very hard to earn, and it will always be a work in progress to maintain it. Always keep in mind that we take a lot of small things for granted that our partner may not see as trivial. They’ve been hurt, and a lot of the time its been by a family member or someone close to them, so the closer you get to her, the more guarded she may become. Be patient, and continue to earn the trust every day. This could take a very long time
    8. Sex- Your sex life may have a LOT of ups and downs. But you have to be patient and ride it out. You will get frustrated because it may get very hot, then out of nowhere its cold as ice. This too shall pass. If you’re patient and you wait for it, when it does happen, it will be the most incredible experience EVERY TIME!!!!!!! Impatience with this was another one of my huge downfalls…’s hard, especially when you’re SO attracted to them, but you have to be patient and not push. It is an absolute must
    As I’ve said a few times already, being a partner is not easy. It takes a LOT of work, a LOT of patience, and a LOT of love. I hope and pray that the journey with my penguin will continue. While I know it will never be a fairy tale ending, at least I’ll know that I’m with the woman I was put on this earth to be with, and now have the tools and understanding to be the best partner I can be, and that’s fairy tale enough for me. Isn’t that what we all want? Who knows where the next road in our relationship will lead, I just hope that I’m not too late, and it somehow leads back to her. It would be such a tragedy for us not to continue moving forward in our relationship because it is such a blessing, such an amazing love and partnership……she is my one true love, my penguin.
    For those of you who are fighting the good fight every day as partners of survivors, I extend my deepest respects and regards. For any survivors who may be reading this, I have such a huge appreciation for you, a massive amount of respect, and the deepest sympathy for what you have had to endure throughout your lifetimes. You truly are SURVIVORS. ALL of your stories have helped me see so much of what I could never have seen before with my own eyes. I truly hope that these words may help a relationship out there somewhere to continue, get better, be rekindled, or whatever the case may be. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I wish each and every one of you the best in your journey through life. God bless……..

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